Bad Day

Ugh! Wish I could stop caring about work. Wish these thoughts weren't around. Wish this sudden headache would go away and wish the move was completed.


-- Posted From My iPhone

Tumultuously Happy Beginnings

Today was the final day of the most important class at the school, Final Project. Everything we've been going to school for, summed up in one thirty-second to two minute package. A demo reel. It's important! A visual resume; look what I can do. 

Our ideas, abilities and pieces of our lives wrapped up and delivered, today... at 10:00am... no... 10:15am? uh huh... instructor has yet to arrive come 10:30am. How delusional we all are, thinking that maybe we would put something forth that was worthwhile. Maybe there would be something to be excited about, to be moved by, to at least show up on time for.

The inability of key people to 'stick around' long enough to view everyone's work spoke volumes. One by one we laid our dreams at their feet. One by one they apologetically left the room. It's boring and redundant, but at the very least feigned interest would have been a better end to our school career.

I've been on the verge of several emotions, instead of choosing one, I'm experiencing them all at once. On the edge of extreme emotions. Petrified between two emotions. Excitement wrestling just behind my eyes with tears of sorrow. Paranoid stress holding prolonged discussions with flawless contentment. Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's the surge of true and utter passion to experience all emotions so extremely, all at once, you can't focus. Maybe it's the lack of sleep. Maybe it's my world mingling with reality, disorienting me. In either case, I am distracted, sensitive and tired. But it wasn't just me. I wasn't the only one hurt and for once I wasn't the only one to notice it.

I wonder if I should be thankful of the disinterest experienced. The school has always excused its odd hours, as preparation for the work environment. The key people have been around the school long enough to know what gets produced by it. They would know if it was worthwhile to stick around for the entire class' demo reels. Perhaps they were just preparing me for what it is really like to package my passion, and creativity and then peddle it out, asking busy people for thirty seconds of their time...

I am not so bitter, promise I'm still sweet. I'm happy and impressed with my first draft. I'm not going to let it bother me that other's don't necessarily see it worthwhile enough to spend forty seconds of their life with. Who am I to blame them, it's only a first draft and it's not like they have any reason to care specifically about me. The people that matter to me think it's trippy, interesting, amazing, and leaves them wanting to see more. Which is precisely what this trippy, interesting artist desires! 

Then occupied with the act of making art, I was unable to sleep, now I find myself unable to sleep, because I'm full of ideas with where to take this first draft, so that it'll become a second.

-> i wrote this June 26, 2008

R = 0, T = 1

I've been completely immersed in my own little world for a good while now. Making connections with shared realities has been somewhat of a stinging slap. I'm only starting to experience it as that perfectly placed bite on my ass... I am not yet able to handle large doses. I find myself having to come up for air more frequently. 

The interrupted moments of pollution are starting to leave their mark. Another scar of some other thought that defaced my fantasy. If only I could let myself be. As though there are two of me, the brilliant child, who's company is desired and who's paintings we proudly hang with flawless lighting. The other child, who just doesn't seem to measure up, and left miserably alone, finds solace in the attention their disruption creates. Eventually they'll heal. Time hasn't taken leave for me yet.

I surround myself by entertainers, and what a delightful one have I just created. He exemplifies nearly all the things I'm currently trying to achieve. I find myself studying him as we dream of flirtatiously trying to enact our planned method of manipulation, and write the story of what happens next. It's fun! I think about coming around more. Just to re-experience the brush that painted laughter, as he simulated pleasure while eating my candy. He's one of the few that keeps my hesitation locked up. Our shared reality is not that foreboding, maybe we were meant to meet at this juncture.

My journey to find peace within myself has granted me a teacher. I think mutually even, another perfect symbiotic relationship? I've been struggling with circular reasoning, and am still blocked by unfinished theories. For some reason everything fits to adjust what happened after that, and it's making my rationale a little woozy.

Distraction is dancing with me. Distraction's been dancing with me. I'm in an energetic performance, trying some how to stand still. Focus was my date, I wonder what happened to her... Why does Distraction's dance last so long?

I'm nervous about walking into yet another world. Composed of shared realities with people I don't even know, but we claim love because there's blood. Every time I go, I want to return immediately and yet, each visit grows. I can't pinpoint the culprit of my anxiety, and somehow replace it with reason... How foreign am I?

->I wrote this in June of last year (2008)

Drinking Koolaid

"If an employer fully funds your copays (as in it won't cost the employee any money to get medical services), why then the employees would see doctors all the time!"

This is being taught to a group of brokers right now. How this makes sense to these whiteys, I've no idea. Oh yes EVERY one can take time off ALL the time to get frivolous doctors visits. What world are these people on? Just cause someone else pays does NOT mean everyone will use it up. Sheesh!

Look folks just because YOU are assholes and will take full advantage doesn't mean everyone else are opportunists!


-- Posted From My iPhone

Poem - Insane and Wired

I want to thrive on the electricity of my muscles' anxiety

I wanna feel the sharp tongue of the ocean's lap 

I wanna practice immunity to gravity

I wanna live in the creativity of two minds 

You can see, when I'm dancing with the wind, that I'm not that planted

In that unstable way an animal encounters human, I'm in a dream

being kept alive by the finest string, continually rubbed bare

The one they finger for entertainment

Shall I light the fire that turns you on and turns you up

I'm easy, been craving you... you with the advantage

There's no resistance left when you put that smile on my lips

I'm seduced, pleased by the playful hold tickling my brain

Tuned to you, my mind is powerless, there's nothing we can do

Chemicals, cells and receptors aided and abetted

as, my senses distracted, allowed happiness to paint the village red

What's a gal to do? It's easy to get addicted to you