I don't want to pause! I want it to stop!

42 years old and starting menopause.

At least I think I am. I can't tell anymore. I've been on and off crying for the past month. Bratworse is at wit's end.

I wonder what the statistics on divorce rates during menopause is.

Can we change the marriage vows or civil union vows or whatever the hell you call it... can we change it to "in sickness or in health, through menopause"?

I've barely eaten the last few days. I want to just bang my head against a wall or just hurt myself. I hate feeling so adrift.

I want my thirties back. I felt good about myself. I feel so stupid nowadays.

It would help so much if we had a living room to enjoy, and a little extra money. Last three days, we had zero $. It's been quite some time since we had zero $. But between driving down to L.A. twice for a funeral; between fixing our neighbor's unit when our tank flooded (which we took care of right away unlike someone else we know); between purchasing stuff for a 40 gallon tank, then purchasing stuff to take care of the drying out stuff, then purchasing stuff for a 75-gallon tank; between miscalculating when Bratworse would get the 2nd half of her student loan; we kinda lost track of our money and boom, there we were - negative $24.

I looked up classes to attend, but realized we wouldn't have the money. *sigh* I keep telling myself, in two more years, bratworse will be out of college and we'll be able to enjoy ourselves. But only if Bratworse can put up with me pausing.