Monday, November 24, 2008

Music Lists


Ever feel like just cause you didn't listen to a certain band, they'd oust you for not belonging? For example, I have no Indigo Girls. *listens for the collective gasp in the lesbian community* Another example, I have only one Peter Gabriel song. However, I do have some Phil Collins, does that count?

I'm sorting out the list I want to listen to, because I have a good 5 hour drive, then a 14 hour drive on Saturday, so I don't want to keep paying attention to forwarding music that won't put me in the driving zone. But looking over my culled list, I find that my tastes in music really has no cohesion... It literally jumps all over the place from corny Carpenters music, to musicals, to Punjabi dance music, to Canton Pop from the 70s.

Perhaps it's because I'm a visual person and thus the three common things through my music are: good beat, has a story, or it makes me laugh. If it accomplishes all three, like Alice's Restaurant Massacree, it quickly rises to the top of my list.

What ties your music together, do you know?


Saturday, November 22, 2008

Owed a "Hot Chat Topping Session"

So last night, I had the fortune of spending 45 minutes on the phone with Scarlett O'Hall. This is the friend I first made on my own, when I moved up here to the Bay Area. Scarlett (Name have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent) was a fascinating character I really had to good fortune to meet through a BBS.

Okay, for you youngsters fairly new to the internet, a BBS was a Bulletin Board System back in the dark ages of the internet, long before there were images, ebay, amazon or even AOL. Yes, I was an early geek. Anyway, back in the 90s when I first moved here I was a lonely 28 year old and longing for any sort of company. When I found out there was a BBS for lesbians, well I jumped to log on.

Scarlett was the first person I met through the internet and our friendship was fast, furious and funny! Her apt was on the way home for me so often after work, I'd drop in on her, calling through the intercom "Short girl bringing Tall Boys". Tall boys were the long tall Buds. I used to get soooooo drunk with Scarlett.

It was through Scarlett I met Lone Wolf who remains a close friend to this day.

Anyway, Scarlett was a bit down in the dumps because it was the anniversary of a memorial service for a close friend of hers, one I had known. We talked, and I was able to commiserate with her, due to the sudden death of JoEllen when she had just turned 30. Apparently she and her significant other has experienced a ton of deaths lately and she was wondering if that was all life had to offer anymore.

I pointed her gaze to the future, where her little girl was poised to take over. Her child is 4 and there are so many more firsts in her life... that's where the future is. Death is inevitable... the 80s and 90s taught me that. To see it as the future is to condemn yourself to a future of closing doors. Yes, it will be that, but that's not all.

Oh, the title of the post? I was telling Bratworse about Scarlett's and my history together and I told her how I stopped playing on the BBS when my GF at the time asked me to, but before I stopped, I engaged in a "Hot chat" with Scarlett and how I was promised a return chat which never occurred.

I SERIOUSLY doubt that anything like that will happen nowadays, with all of us older, wiser AND more tired. lol


Friday, November 21, 2008

Pages of a Dusty Book

That's what this feels like, like reading pages from a dusty book.

Lives intersect at different junctures and there are lives that interweave throughout time. Perhaps it happens more often to someone like me, but right now, many lives are intersecting with mine due to the tool called Facebook. Some are current friends, some are old friends popping out of different periods in my life.

The one that's just jaw-dropping to me is the one connection to probably one of my closest friends as a child, back in Singapore. As I read about her, I realize her world and mine would only have intersected as children and now, through this tool. We run in vastly different worlds.

I hope the fondness we both feel evaporates any differences. I feel like though we have differences - here I go again with my feelings of alienness - both of us seem to have the philosophy of live and let live... a philosophy that should lead to a somewhat harmonious life.

Anyway, this contact with her... the tentative reaching out, it's been feeling like reading pages from a dusty book. Some words stand out, others obscured, and with each contact, more dust is blown off and more words become readable. The memories start to stitch together (how's that for mixed metaphors) ... bah, I derailed my own thought.

All this to say, I'm enjoying myself.


Wednesday, November 19, 2008

You CAN Teach an Old Dog New Tricks

My mother just called to apologize for last night's phone call saying she was upset at losing her glasses and she took it out on me.

I'm trying to pick my jaw off the ground. This old back just takes its time bending nowadays.


Tuesday, November 18, 2008

God Gave Me TWO Daughters

Called Mom today just cause. After her greeting, she told me it was okay that I wasn't coming to visit her for Christmas. "Oh?" I asked while thinking since when was I asking permission not to visit?

"Oh yes," she said almost triumphantly. "God gave me TWO daughters."

A soft snicker escaped me despite my best efforts. "I'm glad you're thinking that way, Mom."

"Yes, so you go and stay in Oakland. I've got two daughters."

"Yes Mom."

As I hung up the phone, I found myself counting the minutes until next week when I surprise her on Thanksgiving. Part of me is being pure Chinese and thinking, Oh, so you're going to look down on me, eh? Well, I'll show you.

Trust me, it sounds *much* better in Chinese.


A Tale of Two Jewelers

So we have two jewelers as customers. One's retail, the other is one that handmakes jewelry... probably in the under $200 range. The retail store on the other, deals with jewelry in the thousands range.

I get calls from both of them today. One of them tells me to keep the plan going even though there are layoffs because well, the people need their healthcare. The other one tells me to cancel their plan for all their employees.

And guess which jeweler did which? And people wonder why I don't want to work for rich people.


Frustrated Scorpio

Ugh! I made calls to both Boxer and Feinstein saying Kick Lieberman out of any leadership positions. Nothing says "WUSS!" more than being kicked and then saying "Here's your reward for kicking me." I wish Barbara Lee was my Senator and not these two. I hope there's a better choice for Democrats in our primaries for Senator next times. Damn it, I wanted retribution against Lieberman!


Sunday, November 16, 2008

so what's the song

on my iPod this morning? You really fucked up


Thursday, November 13, 2008


So, after several people had asked if I was on Facebook, after watching Stephen Colbert tease Jon Stewart about being out of it... I succumbed to the forces of conformity and signed up.

The first thing that popped up upon signing? Alison Blanchard's face greets me and wants to be my friend.


So not being able to resist a gorgeous red-head, I accepted of course. Well! Numerous faces greets me upon this acceptance and amongst them I spy tons of faces from my past, from acquaintances long-forgotten, to ex-clients to friends no more. Wow. A name... seemingly familiar when the memory snaps into place and I am transported to my past, somewhere in L.A., on a hot summer day. Another name... and again I am transported, this time to a crowded convention floor.

I start choosing people to ask to be my friend. Safe choices at first, ones that I know will welcome my advances. Weasel is the first to accept. It'll be nice to stay in contact with Wease and his wife.

Part of me is screaming at me, How will you maintain hermitude???? The other part is soothing me, It's okay, time to come out of your shell. I guess time will tell if social networking will work for me or not. But damn it, I am not going to be ignorant about these types of programs any more.


Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Prop. 8


I've been looking at Idealist ever since this proposition was called, asking her why?

Numb with shock at what happened. It's been hard for me to understand.

Months into our marriage certificate and we're reminded just how much a dream it is. I had a really difficult day, cliched bittersweet. Proposition eight passed, they interrupted my dream. I cried on the phone to Idealist, to Verve, to Vito, as they expressed love, embarrassment and support. Then alone, rubbing my eyes to make sure I was really seeing what I was seeing. They were there, willing to hold my hand, to let me know that even though I have to check 'other' in a lot of cases, it's okay.

I'm still loved, and I don't know about everyone else, but all I want is to spread happiness in a way that makes me happy to. I am so thankful and in love with the people that love and support me. They remind me when I most need reminding that I'm not alone, they're right there with me. Accepting and inspiring the way I dream.


Monday, November 10, 2008

Lieberman on a Tight Leash

So Ranger Robb and I were watching Monday Night Football and discussing politics, as any two good leftist dykes are wont to do and we got to the discussion of Joe Lieberman otherwise known as Stinkpot, Asshole, and various other apt labels.

Ranger Robb wanted to see Lieberman stripped of everything. I did too, but then I told her the latest news I had heard earlier that day - that Obama was signaling to leave Lieberman alone.

"And you know what? Obama even CAMPAIGNED for Lieberman when he WASN'T the Democratic nominee! Ned Lamont was the nominee...." As my voice trailed off, I started to think, now why WOULD Obama 1) campaign for Lieberman, 2) let Lieberman hang himself with his own words without a single blowback, and 3) now signal hands off?

Light bulb goes off.

Assuming Obama is a fairly strategic and far-seeing in terms of goals, numbers were showing Obama in the lead. Why not let Lieberman shoot off at the mouth and hang himself? If McCain won, well, Lieberman showed his true colors. But if Obama won, then they had all these evidence and well, words can be swords of Damocles too.

Follow my logic here. Right now, the Democrats have 56 votes with two senate seats still up in the air - Alaska and Minnesota. With Lieberman, that'll make it 59 and Bernard Sanders would make it 60. And even if supposing that we don't turn over those two seats in Alaska, how hard would it be to get a Republican to switch votes in this current toxic environment? I'm sure there's a number of vulnerable seats in two years.

Anyway, all I ask of Obama is, yes allow Lieberman to stay in the caucus but please please please strip him of all chairmanships. Please. Especially the one that does investigations.

UPDATE: Kos is now saying that Obama's people are leaving it in Reid's hands, as are other democratic leaders like Hillary Clinton. Another relatively smart move. Reid is Senate Majority Leader. If he wants a headache, he'll keep Lieberman on as chairman.


Wednesday, November 05, 2008

One More Comment

Both Bratworse and I gasped when Barack Obama mentioned gays in his acceptance speech.

This is how much of a second class citizens we are - that the MERE mention of us by our president-elect would send streaming tears down my face.

My exact thoughts at that moment were: Did he just... OMG! He did! He included us. Bah! If only he had come out AGAINST prop 8 instead of that lammo ad with Diane Feinstein. I can't believe he actually said "Gays". But sheesh I'm happy about a word when my marrige might be... no, can't think about that.

All those thoughts flashed through my mind between the time Obama said gays and he finished his litany of labels, which was about 40 seconds or less.

I don't think Bratworse realized how momentous that occasion was, to be included. For fuck's sake, Reagan couldn't bring himself to mention the world "gay" in ANY speech, during the entire AIDS crisis. 8 friggin years and he couldn't say the damn word.

Correction: Bratworse just informed me that during the speech when Barack mentioned people, through my tears, she told me "He said 'Gays'!" and my response to her was, "I started crying so I guess in trying to hide my tears from you, I didn't hear you"

So she DID realize and I'm deaf.


A Couple of Observations

1) I wonder how the cities and counties of California feels about Prop 8, knowing that one of their FEW GROWING REVENUE STREAMS is about to dry up. Can you imagine what those cities and counties were feeling when the Supreme Court of CA decided to overturn the gay marriage ban? At a time of shrinking budgets, a sudden manna from heavens of a sort, dropped down on them with money to spend on weddings.

Now, California cities will watch those revenues flow to Massachusetts, Canada, elsewhere but here. Nice shooting yourself in the foot but then again, that's human nature.

2) Back when I thought I needed Jesus to save my life, I was always most impressed with the song "They'll know we are Christians by our love."

Well, between all donations for and against, there was about 70 million dollars spent to convince people to take away our rights or let us be.

Just imagine if those 70 million dollars had been used to help the needy right now who are being forced out of homes, or watched their retirement savings swirl down the toilet.

Can you imagine these people's day of Judgement? "When your countrymen was aching for relief, where did you spend your money?" "Umm... I spent it to do YOUR will" "Feed the poor, clothe the homeless, those were my instructions." "But but but... those gays! They wanted to convert our children!"

So now we know. We know they are Christians by their stupidity and ignorance and intolerance. And they wonder why I left. I left because I couldn't stand to be part of bigotry and small-minded thinking.

And yes, I AM talking about my family members. *sigh*


On the Brink

Well, just as hope overflows with our tears of joy, we mingle them with tears at sadness at the vindictiveness of Christians, Mormons and other folk who just wants to inflict their morality on others.

We went to bed exhausted, and filled with dread at the prospect of our marriage being disintegrated for that is what this act does, it disintegrates this piece of paper that legalizes our joining together. I went to bed with my iphone, checking for updates and at midnight my eyes finally closed from sheer exhaustion.

This morning, I feel/hear Bratworse leave my side and go out to the living room. I screamed out her name and I could not tell by her response if it was good news or bad. A minute later, she walked in sobbing her eyes out. "We're no longer married."

So biting back my own disappointment, I set forth to tell her about what I've seen and experienced in this world.

In my 45 years, I have gone from being told I HAD to learn how to cook and sew and clean house to experiencing an electoral election where California wanted to incarcerate people for TESTING to see if they had the AIDS virus, to being married to the love of my life.

As the ad said, we've come a long way, baby.

And obviously, from this election results of Prop 8, we still have a long ways to go.

But you know something? I actually DID get married before a black man became our president. This... is a setback and the churches know it. Just as there was a repudiation of the republican party, there WILL be a repudiation of this inability of church-goers to even give respect to us. What WOULD Jesus say to this? (I say this as I imagine him walking around the lepers giving them respect and hope)

I have faith. I have faith that the human race will one day actually grow up and realize being nice to your neighbor REALLY doesn't cost much, and that your neighbor may be yellow, brown, black, white, straight, gay, red, green, whatever, it just really doesn't cost much to be respectful.

I lost faith with the Gods a long time ago. My faith in humans keep getting stronger, like watching Obama last night be dignified and gracious.

My faith was just renewed. We just got a call from our best man at our wedding, Chief Fireman, telling us how sorry he is and how sorry his whole family is.

You know people who voted for Prop 8? I just wonder if you guys had lost, whether you guys would be sobbing today like we are. This is the difference. Yes on Prop 8 wanted to hurt us. No on Prop 8 just wanted things to be left alone. Yet you "christians" and people of supposed mercy, actively sought to hurt us. Well, you did. We are sobbing but more determined to get our rights as we deserve.


Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Did You Vote?

So we left our house about 7:05 this morning to cast our votes. There were about 20 something people in front of us and by the time we left, the line built up to about 30 or 40 behind us. I was 24th in my precinct and Bratworse was 26th in our precinct to vote.

There was a dyke in front of us who was ebullient. She was talking with a black couple. Behind us was a young Jewish woman with a 6 and a half month old baby. I declared "His first election!" and his mom beamed back at us.

We just dropped off some donuts for the poll workers cause for the first time in my voting life, I asked if there would be shifts for the volunteers. They said no, just breaks. Hence the delivery of Krispy Kremes.

The buzz is affecting this side of Oakland, CA too. The lines were definitely longer than usual, and the cheerfulness of everyone involved in the process is just contagious.

As for Prop 8... I don't need to voice my views here, having blogged about our wedding. You want to know my sadness? That I have a feeling I know what my family who votes, voted for.


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