Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Expectations and Burdens

Most likely, it was me feeling the burden of 4000 years of conformity. Most likely, it was me viewing myself through the lens of "normality" and feeling like I had to defend my decisions. Nonetheless, I walked away from a lunch with old friends feeling like I didn't add up.

My old friends wondered why I would disappear for years, never realizing I've done the same to others - I just cannot deal with my inner demons at times and the best thing for my friends and probably the worst thing for me, is for me to disappear. Since I HATE being a burden, I choose disappearance.

My old friends welcomed me with open arms, offering food gifts and laughs just like before. One, my best friend from my first two years of college, absolutely beamed when she saw me. We both fell into the old habits so swiftly that Bratworse was a little surprised.

But I don't belong there.

Trying on these old clothes, I felt restricted and tongue-tied. No, I can't talk of this because this person might get offended. I can't talk of that because that's just frowned upon here. Instead, I smiled and realized my mind has taken off, just like it used to in their presence when talk swung to food (one of my least favorite topics).

I miss my old friends. I truly miss them and our old camaderie and I am so happy for them that the group has remained basically intact since 1982 with a few missing members (like me and Goat).

But I don't belong there.

Yesterday, I managed to finish my errands a bit early and had enough time to go visit a friend and her two kids. When I called her to let her know I was coming over, she asked, "You playing hooky?" Technically I wasn't, but I said "Yeah," and her reply was, "Cool, baby, come on over!"

It was a simple acceptance that I was an adult, I made a decision, and I was willing to live with the consequences. I gave her a HUGE hug when I arrived.

My old friends would've clucked their collective tongues, held their tongues, but the questions that would hang in the air would've distracted me all day.

I don't belong there.



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