Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Verge


We've been having short bursts of fights for the past two weeks. They've been intense, emotionally charged, and usually over very little.

Hmm, let me rephrase that.

I've been getting angry at Bratworse in short bursts. She has been ultimately patient with me, lowering her voice when mine gets raised, trying not to see red when that is the one color permeating my moods, thoughts, entire being.

She has heard me, and changed over and over again, apparently to no satisfaction on my end.

The woman, in some worlds, can be considered a saint.

I do not know what is going on with me. I have lost total control over my feelings, swinging from being weepy one second to raging bull the next. Yeah yeah, I know, isn't this what menopause is supposed to do? But see, I have only suspicions that I'm pausing, and no concrete proof.

I have a feeling Bratworse is on the verge...

And I don't blame her. She thinks I am deliberately trying to push her away. There may be some truth to that. I know one of my biggest fears is abandonment - and I am SURE people will abandon me once they figured out how much trouble I am. I don't know how to fix this - my way was always retreat into hermitude until I felt safe again.

So, any suggestions on how to keep this wonderful woman, despite myself?

I suck.

 
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