Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Wrong Thing


I think I did the wrong thing in my post earlier. And I think I'm about to do the wrong thing here. But I need to sort this out in my head and while she's not talking to me, I can only spew my thoughts here.

See, Bratworse doesn't want to think about leaving. In her mind, she feels that the knowledge that she'll never leave, is an actual comfort. And to feel/talk about the possibility that she might leave, is an invitation to disaster, to her anger.

She gets hurt if I talk about her leaving me.

Me, I never want her to feel like she can't leave.

I mean, that's kind of what my dad felt like, that he couldn't divorce my mother. It didn't make for a very happy home life, and it seems to be an imprisonment that my father couldn't escape from. Granted, he dealt with it in his way, by having a mistress for 20 years, but what kind of fate is that for his mistress or my mother or my father at that?

I guess where we're going wrong is, she needs to know I will never question her commitment to our relationship and everytime I bring up the possibility of her leaving, is an insult to her commitment to me.

I understand that Bratworse. And I'm sorry I keep slapping you in the face with my worries.

I guess what she needs to hear from me is, I am NOT questioning her loyalty or her commitment to the relationship. What I am questioning is whether or not, my personality is so odious, that it warrants being alone for the rest of my life.

Ever since I was 16 years old, I was convinced I was going to be alone. I grew up in the knowledge that I had a spiky personality and that because of its porcupine-like qualities, I'd better get used to the solitude. Before long, the solitude and the feeling that I was a porcupine grew comfortable on my skin.

My best friend once told me, it would take someone really special to be able to put up with me. Another person told me I was fire, that someone near me would get warm, but had the possibility of being burned. My mother told me I was unlovable, that only she could love someone like me.

I need to figure out that by questioning whether Bratworse stays or goes, I am in effect hurting her, which is the last thing I want to do.

So, how do I ask her if I've crossed the line? And whether this was the last straw? How do I look into those angry eyes and not be fearful that when I wake up, it'll be to an empty bed?

 
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