Wednesday, August 03, 2005

The Price of Love

I grew up thinking no one could love me. I grew up thinking that I would always be on my own and that I would have no one to answer to.

So I lived my life with that attitude. I basically removed most luxury from my life, lived on less than modest means and went without simply because I didn't want to be trapped by a job I hated, and simply because I never thought I would have to share the burden of who I am with anyone else.

I was a freebird, a free thinker! I would work just to have enough to live on, enough to build up debt and then when the debt came calling, hauling ass to make sure there was a roof over my head.

I had the luxury: I have skills people pay for, I have intelligence, I am employable.

But two years ago, a girl-woman came into my life, declared she loved me and moved in. And now, this woman, this beautiful lovely fascinating wondrous woman is paying for her choice of partners.

My Bratworse moved 3,000 miles away from her family to be with me. She let go of her college studies, her furniture, her support just so she can live a life with me. And now, though she's been accepted by the Academy of Art, she can't afford to go.

See, in my attitude towards life prior to Bratworse, I basically said Fuck You to the establishment and my credit sucks as a result. So I can't really co-sign for a loan for her. Her grandparents are in the middle of re-doing their place, as well as some other stuff and therefore cannot co-sign for her. Her dad won't co-sign but I'm unclear as to the reasons. And her mom can't.

So this bright young woman, who sees patterns in blank pages, who wants to learn how to translate those patterns she sees in her head onto pages so others can share in her visions, this wondrous woman who so desperately wants to learn, to have a piece of paper that tells the world she learned through formal training - cannot.

We're still working on a solution so that her dreams can come true.

In the meantime, I'm kicking myself. I never thought I'd be this blessed. That for me, what is a blessing, is a curse to this woman who chose to love me.

I am so sorry, Bratworse. I am making you this promise right now. You WILL get a college education. Somehow, somewhere, we ARE going to make your dream come true. Cause you made mine come true. I love you.



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